Nine Hundred Nights Read online

  Paul worked at the same technology company I did and at the same laboratory, yet we'd never met at work; it's a big place so it's understandable, but it was odd. In addition he was a bass player and while he'd never played in clubs, he had played in a few garage bands. Paul was also an exotic dancer. No joke. He worked for the best known company who provided male strippers for bachelorette parties and the like. Although he never brought it up himself, if you prodded him you could get some pretty funny stories about what women do when they're boozed up and with a hoard of other women; more to the point, when they're NOT around their husbands or boyfriends. Paul is pretty damn handsome and well muscled as a male stripper with the premier troupe would have to be, and keeping that in mind let me double-digress and tell you about my Halloween a year ago.

  We had a gig at The Rising Sun on Halloween, it was to be a short gig, one set only. We played it, everything went well and we finished at midnight. I drove home and on the way I stopped at a bar near my house, it was one that was huge with the college crowd. The place was packed and I got myself a beer and stood against the wall minding my business, unwinding and watching the people. I was not interested in the seven thousand women in the place, so of course one stands about a foot away and stares at me. I stared back; I was tired and just felt like being a part of the scenery. The staring contest continued for an uncomfortable few minutes until finally, when I was about to say something, a spark of recognition went off in my brain. The more I looked at her, the more I became sure I knew her from somewhere. Then it hit me.

  "PAUL!"

  He smiled "Jesus it took you long enough!"

  "Holy shit you look like a real woman!" I said in amazement.

  "Thanks."

  "I can't fucking believe it, you really look like a chick!"

  He had makeup on, but just the right amount. He had a wig that was really convincing and was wearing a dress and had all the accessories! He totally had me fooled.

  "Dude, has anyone else been able to tell?" I asked.

  He said "You tell me..."

  He walked away and I followed him with my eyes to the far side of the bar where he got on the long line of women waiting to get into the Ladies Room. I chuckled every time he shot me a glance and after ten minutes he made it into the bathroom. He was in there for a while too, finally emerging after a few minutes and circling back to me.

  "You're insane, that's hilarious." I said, and then trying to be funny in my own way, I reached out and squeezed his stuffed bra.

  He slapped me across the face and gave a little scream. The next thing I know, one of the bouncers grabs me from behind and throws me out of the bar. I was trying to protest as he was dragging me toward the door but I was laughing so hard I actually couldn't get the words out convincingly. I thought it was so funny I couldn't even be mad. The next time I saw Paul he confessed that the bouncer was his friend and he'd set me up before he'd first come over to me.

  Back to the gig; Paul is standing in front of me giving me the devil horns and everyone's whooping it up. Suddenly I see Luzette behind him, the girl I had been going with for a couple of months, unhappily I might add. Her family called her Luz (pronounced 'lose') for short, and I think that's the perfect name for her since if you argue with her, you're going to Luz. The day before we'd had yet another ridiculous argument and for me, it was the straw…so I told her it was over and walked out of her house. She came here tonight and I knew that if I spoke to her it would just end up in more argument, which I suppose explains what she did next. I'm two feet from Paul and I see her eyes go to his drink. From behind, she smacks his hand and the contents of his cocktail shower the front of me. My split second reaction was…WHAT THE HELL…but since I was focused on playing, I took it in stride. A lot of the drink actually hit the guitar. My New Guitar That I've Owned For Less Than A Day!

  I was incensed! In the only break in my performance, I stopped picking for just a second and angrily waved bye-bye to her. As she shot me the middle finger, hands grabbed her shoulders from behind and one of the door staff escorted her toward the door. My anger didn't last because as loud as the people had been, they became even louder when she did it.

  After the drink hit me, someone grabbed me by the hair on the back of my head and pulled back with quite a bit of strength; I had to bend over backward to avoid falling. Before I could even think 'What now?' someone delivered a deep hot tongue kiss as I leaned against them…and continued to play the solo. Now the crowd went a little berserk and there was this sort of continuous whooping and clapping that I could imagine would happen if Kissinger had been given a rifle and packed off to Khe Sanh.

  The girl finally released me and who should it turn out to be but Valerie DeSanto. To be honest, the first thing I felt was a flash of gratitude that Luzette was on her way out the door so I wouldn't have to defend myself, but fast on the heels of that was a tingling in my loins. She even had the nerve to wear an innocent little smile after nearly mouth-raping me in public. I was lucky I didn't get a full on erection in the tight pants I was wearing, so I beat a path to the steps and climbed to the stage and we finished the song and the set.

  Something else out of the ordinary happened though, as we're all in the dressing room, the crowd is still furiously cheering. I smelled the dried Grenadine on my guitar and pegged Paul's drink as an Alabama Slammer, very popular at the time. Jimmy had started his quick change act, back into 'Perfect Looking Jimmy' when Sean shoved his head in from the stage door.

  "Encore time."

  I expressed everyone's thought "Huh?"

  Sean said "Listen."

  We listened and could hear the beer soused rabble continuing to chant, and apparently on this night they were OUR beer soused rabble.

  "OK" I said as Jimmy threw his shorts back on and we went back out.

  Tommy grabbed the mic and waved our appreciation "Thanks everyone. Thank You. This one's called…'Quiet Exile'."

  We played our one original song with more feeling and passion than I'd thought possible and they loved us. This night and during this song particularly, we were going from feeling 'comfortable' in front of a crowd to feeling that perhaps we belonged there.

  After the show no one was particularly tired and we decided to get Sean drunk. The guy needed it, between the band and all of the bullshit that he had to cope with, and his day job which was no picnic, the man was nearing burnout. He was short on sleep and was catching a few winks here and there as he was able. Also, when he slept, he didn't look peaceful like someone asleep, he looked like a guy who was about to kick the bucket from exhaustion. We joked about it to each other, but deep down it scared us a little.

  Another reason I thought it was a good idea to go and 'get stupid' as a group was Ingy's recent breakup with Wendy. I can't say I was surprised when it happened but it didn't have anything to do with the two not getting along. The friction had more to do with their age difference and what her parents thought about it. He wasn't in pieces about it, I think BECAUSE there hadn't been a big fight, but he made it worse by keeping it all inside, the way Ingy does. He and I were so close we discussed everything imaginable; but where his sadness, insecurity or depression was concerned he believed he was supposed to keep that to himself. Of course if those issues came up in a friend, he'd expend a lot of energy to get them to open up. I'd seen him do it with Kenny on occasion, yet Ingy saw no hypocrisy in doing it…he felt that he and he alone was supposed to keep it in. Because of this I thought it was better for him to be around alcohol and friends (and strippers) instead of being at home with his television.

  We decided to stuff the equipment in the studio so Tommy could have his van to use the next day and while we were there, we could get Sean and Ingy plowed at Ray's. We unpacked the van with unprecedented speed and one by one, built a camp in Ray's and started ordering shots. Sean was not working at either job the following day and I agreed to drive him home, so all we had to do was exert enough peer pressure, which for the band was like asking us to bre
athe. We did that to each other every day.

  When we were on our…oh I'll go ahead and say 'fifth' round of drinks, truthfully I don't really remember, the next dancer came on the stage; she was new to the club and none of us had seen her before. She was easily six feet tall, long blond hair, nice body and a pretty face too. She was doing her thing and it was clear that Sean was drawn to her like a shark to a bucket of chum. Jimmy and I are feeding him dollar bills that he's stuffing into her panties every chance he gets. She's rapping it up good with him and when he was in the bathroom Jimmy and I talked her ear off about him too. It turned out she thought he was cute and though dancers rarely expressed any interest in the clientele, she did for Sean. After an hour and a half of drinks Ingy decided to stay until closing and took over as Sean's ride home, while I walked out with Jimmy; we didn't even make it to our cars. Jimmy's girlfriend April was waiting in her car outside Ray's and Valerie was with her. I was relieved that it was over with Luzette and the little voice in my head was telling me to plunder Valerie's natural resources; maybe it was the alcohol, but that little voice was making a lot of sense.

  After a few minutes of chatting about the night's events, Jimmy and April headed off to Jimmy's to exchange bodily fluids while I volunteered to drive Valerie home. It wasn't practical to take her to my place, since we'd all just driven quite a ways away from it, from the club in New York to Ray's in Jersey. On the other hand, the studio was empty and its floor was probably solid enough to withstand the abuse both she and I were planning. Up the stairs we went and both of us were bare-chested by the time we reached the door of the studio; within a few seconds of locking the door behind us we were completely unencumbered. We had a 'tension reliever' that was so quick you could have used us to time a three-minute egg. We rested for about fifteen minutes while we talked about Sean looking tired and then went again, but this time 'for the distance'.

  This time I held myself over her and took my time, kissing her deliberately and patiently while my hands gently explored the feel of her skin and the contours of her body (start imagining Barry White music playing in the background). We visited every position, some lustily and some patiently, using every ounce of available energy. When I was sure she'd reached the limit of her ability to climax (I may be a jerk in many ways, but when it comes to love, I'm a patient jerk), I let go completely and smashed myself against the rocks as I brought it home. I felt like a ripe grapefruit that had run a marathon and at the finish line someone clamped down and squeezed every drop of juice from my pulp with a tight fist. That's as clean a metaphor as I'm capable of for the experience. Sean and I were right…Valerie had stamina and was definitely not a quitter.

  The next day, Saturday, the band was not working because Ingy's younger brother, Colm, was graduating from high school. The ceremony was at Paramus Catholic for which Ingy and his family had tickets and there was to be a party afterward at Ingy's house. We were invited to the party and all of us were going, to ensure the party didn't go TOO smoothly…which is to say, a certain amount of chaos is a necessary ingredient of any memorable party. Tommy brought his wife Hope and their daughter Faith and was quickly entwined in conversation (he's a front-man, it comes easy to him). Jimmy and Kenny arrived in Jimmy's shiny new Chevy Camaro and as it turns out April and Valerie had some big family event at their uncle's place, so they wouldn't be coming. Even Scott the sound dictator and his wife Cheryl and baby girl Joyce showed up along with Bobby-the-light-guy and his girlfriend Ally; Scott and Bobby took the shortest path to the beer keg and were in conversation with Ingy's father, who was working the grill like he was born with it attached to his body.

  I was at Dave's house earlier in the day; Dave owns a few guns and he took me shooting at a firing range nearby. I drove us over to Ingy's when it was party time and had to park a block away. We found the guys and I broke off to say hello to Mr. England.

  "Hi Mr. E." I said extending my hand.

  "Nick Laddie!" he said and gave me a warm handshake.

  "I don't think you're gonna be getting away from this grill anytime soon. Want me to draw you a beer?"

  "That's why I have the keg right here…once the grill's hot it's a full time job." he smiled "You go ahead and get one for yourself." as I did so he asked "How's work going?"

  "It's going OK. I have a new manager."

  "Oh? That good or bad?" he asked.

  "Can't tell yet." I chuckled "Ya know how that is, can never tell until you get some time with 'em."

  "True enough." he said "Remember, you have to give him time to know get to know you too."

  "He knows me, he was promoted from our group."

  "True, but in the same way that you need time to see what kind of manager he'll make, he needs to see what kind of employee you'll make. Isn't that so?" he asked.

  I thought about it for a moment and saw his point "Good point; I'm gonna' keep that in mind."

  Just then a woman about the same age as Ingy's dad came up and they started speaking about someone's college choice and I took my queue to leave them. I found Ingy and had a question for him.

  "Ing, how did it go last night?"

  He laughed "Well....it went."

  "Oh yeah, what went down?" I asked.

  "I'm lucky I slowed down when I did because I was barely coherent to drive home. Sean was doing great with that dancer and no way was I going to hurt his chances."

  "When did you guys leave?"

  "We closed it. Four A-M".

  I chuckled "Ouch."

  "With the dancer."

  "No shit?"

  "No shit. I told her I'd give her a ride home...she'd gone to work with one of the other dancers. Once she and Sean hit the back seat it got out of hand." Ingy was telling this with that lilt he's got, and it was pretty funny "I should have put down a tarp."

  I laughed "Steamy huh?"

  "I'm not kidding, they got semi-naked and were screwing in the back seat...I tried not to look in the rear view mirror 'cause I'd see Sean's naked ass cheeks moving up and down. I kept reminding myself to use the side view mirrors."

  "Wow...well, he needed it."

  "I know but let him stain your upholstery."

  "Did he really?"

  "He would have, but thank Christ my seats are vinyl. He left fluids." Ingy said plaintively "I'd feel pity for how he hammered that chick, but she was as crazed as he was. I think she really likes him."

  "Good. Sean'll do better with a girlfriend right now."

  "Well, we'll see. One night of passion with a stripper from Ray's does not a girlfriend make."

  "True." I said "How about you? How you doing?"

  "What do ya mean?"

  "Wendy."

  "I'm fine." he said, though he wasn't looking me in the eye.

  "Yeah, 'fine'. I know your game buddy, you're Irish." I said "If you lived in the rain forest and lost your umbrella...you'd cope for the next twenty years instead of buying a new one. I admit, I don't understand you people."

  "Then shaddap." he said smiling, but I knew it was his polite way of telling me to change the subject.

  Just then Sean entered the back yard with the dancer from last night on his arm. All of the band related people formed a circle around him as they said their greetings.

  "You guys remember Sam." Sean said.

  We all said hello and generally showed friendship.

  "How's the hangover?" I asked.

  "Lingering just a bit, but I think after I eat something it'll be gone." he said smiling "I see your Dad's commanding the grill Ing."

  "Yeah, there's a boatload of food coming so hang in there a few minutes."

  "Your dad knows how to work that grill Ingy. I brought over the meat yesterday morning...all good cuts too 'cause your dad knows not to ruin meat by friggin burning things to a crisp. He's like the John Holmes of the grill station." Sean said.

  "Well..." Ingy said uncomfortably "...I agree, though I'm not entirely at ease with you making your point by comparing anything about my dad t
o a porn star."

  We all giggled and Sean saw the opening "He's not John Holmes on the grill?" he asked tilting his head coyly.

  Ingy hesitated and then said "Well…OK. On the grill…he's Johnny Wad." and we all laughed.

  "Sam..." I said to Sean's new girlfriend "...while you're here today meeting Ingy's family, if you hear someone mention 'Stain' they're talking about Ingy.

  Sam looked confused "Stain?"

  Ingy knew what I was doing immediately, picked it up and ran with it "Shut up." he said calmly to me, then to Sam "Ignore him."

  "What?" I asked with an innocent expression.

  "Leave it alone." Ingy said irritably.

  Everyone else knew what this was but Sam didn't.

  "What's the big deal?" I asked Ingy and then turned to Sam "They say there is a strong correlation between creativity and being a bed wetter..." I paused a second or two "...and Ingy's ya know 'creative'."

  "I was like twelve years old. Jesus, get some new stories." he said, careful to not overplay his hand.

  "Your mom said you were fourteen dude."

  "She did not, I was twelve."

  "You should consider that as a stage name." I teased.

  "I think it's mean to tease him." Sam said and began to look very uncomfortable.

  "It sounds good though...Ladies and Gentlemen...Stain."

  Ingy lunged at me, but the others, having seen this type of thing many times, held him back.

  Finally Sean said "They're not serious."

  Sam looked at Sean with confusion "What?"

  Sean explained "This is what these two idiots do fifteen times a day...make up stupid shit and try to pull everybody else into their spur of the moment dementia."

  Sam furrowed her brow "You guys are joking?"